A leave taking

This is actually an essay that my teacher told me to write like end your essay with "...and she pat my back and left" thingy. i had a dark mind as a child and i could not stop myself writing things like this. This one reminds me most to Ryougi Shiki from Kara no Kyoukai since she had two characters in her. It may be weird to say this, but i also had this kind of thinking ever since i was small. The truth is, I can still hear her voice whispering to my ears sometimes (the effect of loneliness, so don't let your children feel that way... haha). Of course, the other me is also a girl (unlike Shiki) but with a bit masculine character, the reason why i don't have boyfriends and am not interested to have one yet... Anyway, this story is more like mine and since i wrote it years and years ago, i didn't describe things that well... as expressive as a writer should (even now, there are so much to improve still). Okay, happy reading...

A leave taking

‘Grief comes not in a single spy but in battalions,’ thus she whispered to my ears on, quoting her most favourite line in Hamlet. I stood alone on the ground under a gloomy oak tree hugging both my knees. Soon, I heard her voice again calling my name like a voiceless breath as if a reminder of my complete solitude.

The oak tree rustled above and I could see its bough swaying like hands reaching over the unreachable sky. By and by, the swaying ceased like the spirit of the wayfarer who struggled to reach the Promised Land. The more he walked, the more the dream faded. Suddenly, I heard her voice again, this time she was singing. It was the song of loneliness. I did not know why or how I knew it, though I knew not what she said. The song went deep within my heart with a hymn so melancholic to be heard, so loathsome to be kept in heart that made me hug my knees more tightly than before.

She was a friend of mine since childhood and I did not deny that we were so close. She followed me wherever I went, always, like shadows. Despite the time we had together, I got a secret that I kept hidden from her and avoided even to think about it, perchance she would find out. What friend did I possess that made me afraid so much to tell? What ugly secrets that I bore that made me be clutched by fear? 

Doubtless, she was like an apparition that was clever enough to know everything and powerful enough to stir the very depth of a person’s heart. Indeed, she was. I still could remember the story of a child who was neglected by her own flesh and blood. Nothing lingered in her mind and heart save nothingness. She was such a poor creature who in an early life was forced to face disgust and abhorrence.

But, one day she found a friend. It was just a voice at first calling her name over and over again gracefully like angel. Since she was the only one who heard the voice that was what she had in mind. Yet, little by little she could sense her presence, her touch, her kindness, her company till one day she thought that she could see her, the girl. She saw her standing in front of her like a mirror and she smiled a familiar smile and looked with similar eyes.

“My name is Séphia with diacritical E.” That was what she said on their first meeting and she who was much taken aback by the name would always remember it till the end. Then, I heard myself said it slowly under my breath that day right under the oak tree while I was hugging my knees that she was but my fragmented self, such words that the little girl said on the same day under the oak tree while hugging both her knees. And, the secret -how I wish I would not think about it – that was well kept, it seemed, for decades was but a silent hate, and I would if I could tell her that I hated her.

There was a sudden gust of wind rustling the boughs above vigorously and I closed my eyes while a guilty drop of tears slobbered from my eyes to my cheek. To ignore a friend was a matter of betrayal but to tell a friend to walk away was a murder.

“Séphia!” she called and there she was standing before me like a shadow. I stood up with quailing heart.

“Why didn’t you answer me?” she demanded with great power.

“I can’t hear you and I can’t hear you anymore,” came my answer.

“But, why?” she asked.

“Because…because I have kept a secret that I never tell. I know you will find it out, I know the time will come. Please read my mind, please and please do.”

“You have found other friends,” she said regretfully. She stared at me with wrathful eyes then, and I shut my eyes pretending not to cringe. “I give you love, Séphia. I give you hopes and I give you dreams!”

“You do not give me life. Is it a sin not to forget to live? Is it wrong to face the truth? I look at it and see that we are not alone. We will be accepted if we accept ourselves. You used to control me with your powers, with our loneliness and now I dream to see bliss, such dream that you have given me. We both can change it. I know we can.” There was an unbearable silence creeping to every space between us. She looked me still with eyes laden with words. I thought I see a tear, then.

“Are you ready to face it, Séphia?” she asked.

“I will take that chance.”

“And so be it.” The violent wind suddenly ceased and I could hear some birds singing somewhere up on the tree. I could hear her voice no more and would not forever. In that silence, I cried and cried recalling her leaving as if I could see her clearly with my eyes. The moment before, she smiled to me reminding me of the smile she first taught me.

“I wish you every success.” She patted my back and left.