Fragments part 9 - Shiroi Himitsu

I limped on my side as I walked across the cafeteria. There were some girls talking at a table not very far away from where I stood. Two weeks being absent in the campus, people had tremendously dwindled from coming to the cafeteria. What happened?

I trudged to reach a table at the corner of the room very close to the glass window. My ribs hurt as I sat down. Broken ribs can heal on their own, alright and it had been two weeks. But, my body had been unfortunately frail ever since I was a boy. I stretched a bit to comfort my self and twitched in pain. Now, all I have to do is to wait. I thought I was late and I almost cursed myself for letting a girl wait for me. But, truth to be said, she was no where in sight.

I held the juice box carefully in one hand and placed it very slowly on the table in front of me. After all the ordeal of walking just now, I couldn’t raise my arms that high so it would be quite impossible for me to hold the box while drinking from it. But, nibbling the straw from a juice box on the table without really holding it was quite a sight. Really, Mr. Juice box, it is like a lose-lose situation here…

I sighed and my mind drifted.

Aki… I wondered where she was…

The moment I woke up in the hospital she wasn’t there. I thought that she was somewhere in the hospital, at the restroom taking a break, or in one of the patients’ room resting. But, she never did appear before me as if she was gone. Did she? What happened the night before I fell unconscious? The two street guys that night, did she…?

Something suddenly stung my head and I was forced to bend a little as I held it with my hand. Sweat started to fall down my temple and my breath was short. My vision too was frighteningly blurred as if the world itself was a fake.

Senpai, shinjitsu wan an darou…yume ya  nan darou…

The numb in head started to fade away and the pain in my ribs slowly sank in. I twitched on my seat again and straightened myself.

“Aki…”

“Shiki-senpai!” I squinted to the voice and saw Ootori Asako standing in front of me.

“I have something to do after this, so I can’t talk long with you, Senpai,” she said as she sat down placing her bag carefully on the seat next to her.

“It’s okay. It is just a few questions after all.” I smiled. Looking at my face, something had dawned on her, I guessed, and I was very surprised of her next question.

“You are here to ask about my roommate, isn’t it, Senpai?”

“Well, did she tell you about me?”  I asked, blinking not believing my ears.

“She’s quite secretive about her private life. But, everyone in the campus knows, Senpai,” she said as-a-matter-of-factly.

“Well, that is … quite… erm… yeah.” I smiled again covering my embarrassment. I hoped that my face had not tuned red. “You know that something happened to us that day.” With that her cheerful face disappeared.

“It was in the news.” She nervously reached for her bag and took out a juice box from it. It was the same flavour of my own, only that she drank it with both her hands holding it.

“And we know that right after the incident, she was gone,” I continued pretending not to notice the drastic change in her. “I was in the hospital the whole time, so I could not figure out what happened.” Did she get arrested? But, I had looked for her for days. She was nowhere to be found, even in the local prisons…

“She was not arrested, but she was indeed taken away.” She said as if reading my mind. I looked at her in surprised.

“Taken away?”

“Senpai, Shirazumi-san, she… she is sick… I didn’t know that either when we started to stay together, but… after some times…after some times…she started to show some signs…” I didn’t like what she was about to tell me. I didn’t know why, thee was something in her tone that alarmed me. Yet, the surging curiosity inside me forced me to listen, and I couldn’t abandon Aki just like that.

“You might not understand this, Senpai, but when I was first moved in the room, when we first met, her aunt was there too… She was such a lovely old lady and we talked a lot. I could still remember before she went, she gave me a card and told me to call her if Shirazumi-san is acting weird.

At that time, I didn’t understand this, yet, one night I was awakened by voices coming from her side, I thought she was talking in her sleep, yet the talking went on almost every night. I thought it was normal for her. I even caught her talking during the day. When I came back, she was all alone inside, and I could hear her talking from outside the door, conversing as if there were two persons.

I was a little scared, yet, I told myself that maybe she’s the kind of person who talks to herself.

One day, I accompany a friend of mine for his research work. He is studying psychiatry and we were looking at old records from numerous provinces when I caught a name which is quite familiar to me. The little girl was abused and because she had schizophrenia, she… Yet, I couldn’t confirm that yet, so I went back and asked Shirazumi-san some questions.

I asked her about her childhood life, where she had grown up and all. Really, I knew nothing about her. She didn’t name me the place and told me that remembering her childhood memories was the thing she hated to do. I boldly asked her why, and she did tell me one thing, with the usual flat voice of hers…

“Because my drunkard father abused me so many times that it isn’t worth remembering.””

*******

The monster shoved my small frail body away. It was a normal push, I guessed, yet it was enough to throw me against the hard solid wall. With the impact, my legs collapsed and I sank to the floor.

He, then, threw the empty bottle to the floor and it smashed with a ring of hideous sound that I cowered in fear. The splinters of the glass flew very near to where I lay and one had touched my cheeks with a dull pain. Sure enough, my cheek was bleeding.

He moved closer towards me, bending down on me, grabbing my neck harshly into a sitting position. My breath came in short gasps, I was hyperventilating.

“SMILE!” He clutched my small chin as he said that. “SMILE! AND DON’T YOU DARE TO CRY.” Even so, I was so scared that tears started to fall.

Aki… Aki… Aki… And, I sobbed.

Frustrated, father punched my side and a searing pain clutched my ribs. I guessed something had cracked.

Aki… Aki… Aki…

I wondered how I would I go to school tomorrow. Father cursed, spat and left me crying on the floor.

Aki… Aki… Aki…

I was smiling while I cried.

Aki… Aki… Aki…

“Onegai, tasukete…”

*******

“Please stop,” I whispered as the image left my mind. It felt so real that my heart began to break. My head hurt so much that even if I had said anything, Ootori Asako would not hear it. So, Aki had…

“I got really scared, Senpai and started to call the number her aunt gave me. But, no one had answered every time I called. I guessed the aunt had abandoned her too like what the records said. And she, she didn’t take any medication and I was staying with her, every one would feel scared as much as I do. That is why, I rarely came back to the apartment and stayed at my friend’s house.” As she told me the story, tears started to threateningly spill from her eyes. I sighed quietly to myself. She had every reason to get that scared.

“Ootori-san, I’m sorry. What is it that you find in the records that you haven’t told me?” I asked rather sadly. I saw her grasp the empty juice box tightly in one hand trying to collect herself.

 “Senpai, according to the report that I read that day, Shirazumi, at the age of 13, had killed her father. Because she was later diagnosed with a mental illness, she was not arrested but taken to the psychiatric institution instead. I thought she became better and entered university. I guess I was wrong.” She let the cramped juice box alone on the table and it stood ironically, satirically in front of mine.

“Then, do you know which institution she’s in?” Asako only shook her head.

“The relatives who took care of her keep changing. I tried to find her too, but couldn’t...

Senpai, if I weren’t so scared of her and continued to stay with her, perhaps… things like this won’t happen again, don’t you think?” With that, I didn’t say anything and looking at her, I knew even she didn’t need any comments from me. My heart was thorn knowing the truth.

Asako sighed and made a gesture to leave.

“Wait, Ootori-san!” She stopped and turned at me. Her bag was already placed onto her shoulder.

“There is a closed friend of hers that she always talks about. Perhaps, if you could help me to meet the girl, I could ask her where she is.”

“What is her name?” she asked.

“A girl with the name Akari.” Hearing that, she looked at me with thousands of questions on her face.

Fragments part 8 - Chi to namida

“Aki, it’s late, I’ll walk you home.” Reaching under the lamp post, he stopped. He took off his coat and put it around me.

“It must be cold wearing that,” he said with a smile.

“Well, thank you.” I said almost a whisper.

“Say, Aki, aren’t you mad at me now?” Yeah, I had almost forgotten that I was angry at him. I thought he was going to wear traditional clothes for the festival. Well, everybody will for such festival. It took me great pains to break the familiarity by wearing a kimono.

It’s the first time I ever appeared like a girl, and I had gone to a great length by borrowing it from a friend, despite of how embarrassed I might feel wearing it. Yet, he appeared that night wearing no other but his favourite black jacket.

“I’m sorry, Aki. I promise I will wear a hakama next time,” he said apologetically.

“No, it’s okay. I’m no longer mad at you,” I said with a poker face trying not to appear as forgiving. But, unconsciously I raised my hand to my hair feeling the texture of a hairpin Shiki-senpai had bought for me. It was smooth and cold against my skin.

“Really? Jaa, yokatta.” He smiled so innocently that I was forced to turn away. I’m not going to blush in front of him again, it’s pathetic. Yet, the warmth raised to cheeks very slowly much to my despair.

“We need to make a turn here, Senpai,” I said as we reached a black alley.

“Wow, it’s dark. You shouldn’t go home late, Aki. Not when you are not with someone,” I heard him said. It’s the road I took everyday, with companion or without. If there weren’t really someone, it was not like I had a choice. Most of the time I would walk alone, feeling the strange sensation as the darkness swallowed me in. I didn’t really mind and I didn’t feel fear. Because, the darkness that loomed around my entire being was no more than a sad loneliness. Really, nothing ever happen. Senpai must have read a gory thriller recently, I mused to myself.

But, I was wrong that night. No, the life had gone wrong, destiny, fate and everything, and I was left to nothing else to blame as two black figures approached us.

“Well, well, look what we have here.”

Senpai quickly pulled me behind him trying his best to shield me from the devils’ view. I knew that it would be useless.

“What do you want?” Senpai’s voice was calm yet I could feel that he was worried. “If you want money then-"

“Nii-san, money has become the second place since there’s an interesting jewel behind you.” I felt Senpai’s slight grip on my wrist as the two men laughed. Suddenly, the huge man grabbed hold of Senpai’s collar and slammed him painfully onto the wall.

“Shiki-senpai!” Instantly, I felt someone grabbing me from behind, a hand covering my mouth so that I could not scream. There was a glint of a knife. I could feel its steely coldness on my neck. I heard Senpai’s worried voice calling my name and I saw him being slammed against the wall again, hitting his head. This time, he fell limply on the floor. The man stood over him, towering upon his frail form as he looked dazedly upwards, a line of blood trailing down his temple.

The man who was holding me started to caress my body. He pulled the kimono down determined to peal off the white nagajuban I was wearing. Soon, I realized that I had more to lose that night than simply a scar and a scary memory. But, my eyes were locked on Senpai as he was stamped and kicked over and over again.

I struggled a little as if it would stop the whole thing. The blade came so close against my neck that it bled. But, I cared none at all. It didn’t concern me right then. My heart was viciously thorn, as I heard Senpai coughed painfully on the floor. My world became a frightening blur as I heard the sound of ribs breaking.

*******

Aki Aki. The soft voice rang in my head.

Aki, help me! I knew from the start that she’s been crying. What a bad happy mask she put on.

Atashi ga saisho kara kiete shimatte ii noni…

No, I won’t let him kill you!

*******

Blood spurred like rain. The knife that stayed within my hand spun around faster than my own eyes could catch. I heard scream echoed through the alley but scream did not entertain me as much as death would. One slice, one throat and the last monster fall to his knees, spurting blood on his way. My kimono was soaked crimson down to my feet. The hot rivulet was dripping down to the solid ground where I was standing, flowing slowly to where Senpai laid. His eyes were wide as he looked up at me from behind. I didn’t need to turn around to know this. In fact, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to see that horrid looks in his eyes, yes, as he saw the real monster within me.

“Sorry…” Wet tears came down, mixing up with the bloody smear on my face. I knew I will lose everything, ever since we knew each other. Despite of knowing this… despite of knowing this… I still hurt people. “I’m sorry…

…Shiki.”

Fragments part 7 - Nakayoshi

“How long are you going to stay under that blanket, Aki?” I didn’t have to pull the warm blanket away to know who it was. I snuggled deep under the pillow clasping the fabrics tightly with one hand.

“As long as I could.”

“Heeehh? Didn’t you get all sweaty in there?” Her lazy voice was annoying.

“Shut up for once, Akari, please.”

“Aheheheheheh.” She began to laugh and I heard some thump thump sound smashing the silence in the room as she bang her legs up and down against the deserted bed.

“Asako is a neat girl, I tell you. I don’t want her to come back and ask why her bed is messy.”

“But, it was way too funny,” she said giggling.

“What?”

“You never ever did plea me before. It sounds just out of place. Really that guy change you a lot, Aki. Shiki-senpai banzai!”

“Shut up!”

“Come on, Aki. No need to get so upset. Senpai is a good person. He said it’s okay, didn’t he?”

“But, that’s not it.” My voice sounded helpless for once but it was too late to take it back then. Hearing that, Akari laughed again.

“What? You think you had made him scared?” Akari stopped banging her legs against the bed as she asked. There was a slight pause afterwards, I could tell that she had tuned to me and waited for my answer. “He may look frail alright,” she continued hopefully as if she was staring at the ceiling. “But, he’s a senpai! A senpai won’t get scared of aggression easily.” What kind of logic is that?! This girl had no brain!

I mean, how would you feel when you go out with a girl on a date, first date, and on that day you got a fight with someone dangerous? And of all people, the girl you’re dating with was the one who took the villain down, almost killing him! Such circumstances will lead you to break up with her, at that very instant!  “Okay, I change my mind, a normal people might get scared a little,” Akari said after pondering to herself. Damn brat! “But, what did he say after that?”

“He said it’s okay,” I told her with my usual heartless voice underneath the blanket. Akari’s hearing was quite sharp to be able to hear me.

“Alright what did he do?” she asked again, this time, blandly.

“He.. he…”  Between stutters quick images rushed by, reminding me the whole things that took place. I could still remember what he did as he said those words to me. I could still felt the salty taste of my tears on my very tongue, and… I had cried in his arms, had I not? A warm blush rose onto my cheeks and it took me everything to not let it show.

“He?” There was a dangerous tinge of curiosity in Akari’s voice.

“It’s nothing.” I said grasping the blanker tighter with my hand.

“Thehehehe… something must happen! What is it?” There, her cheeky voice. I should better end this conversation before it became worse.

“I’m not telling you.” There was a creaking sound afterwards, the sound of Asako’s bed, and gentle footsteps were later heard, coming very slowly, very cheekily towards me. Before I could pull the blanket off my face, the next think I knew, Akari had jumped onto my bed, pinning me under her.

“You will tell me,” she said, in an evil kind of way and almost mercilessly as she leaned her face down closer to mine. Just like the old days, I could feel her soft bangs and gentle breath brushing against my face. And, in a fraction of seconds, the torment began. She slipped her small slender hand under my blanket and started to tickle my sides. I lurched back and forth on the crazy bed, screaming, cursing, laughing. The cruel creaking sound of my own bed seeped into my mind like a nightmare.

“Hey, stopped it. Akari! Akari, you crazy brat! Ah-hahahahah. Stop it. I said stop it…” Tears started to spill from eyes enduring the painful ticklish sensation all over my body. It took me everything to not even let myself urinate on my own bed!

Only when I had reached a point where I couldn’t take it anymore, she stopped. We both stayed where we were on the bed with ragged breath, relishing the comfort that sank in. In unawares, I had looked rather gratefully into her eyes and was surprised to find a pair of solemn eyes staring at me. I was silent for a moment and so was she. She rubbed the tears on my cheeks away and smiled. It was the most beautiful smile she ever showed me and inexpressible joy was written all over her face. That was why, the moment she uttered those to me I was robbed of every word.

“Nee, Aki. I remembered when we were small, you were always the one who bullied me. Your cold remarks, your attitude towards me as if you didn’t care, always I was the one who would cry. But now, things are turning up side down. I don’t have the slightest idea that I will have the luxury to see something else in you besides your stoic face. I think, I really should thank that guy, when I meet him someday.”

I could only smiled evilly back at her and snorted. “Go and make some tea for me, you stupid tickling brat! I’m going to class.”

“You are? Yeay! I’m so bored.” Akari quickly got up from the bed, bouncing away to the kitchen.

At that moment, the phone beside my pillow rang. A message. From Shiki-senpai? I pushed the button carefully with trembling hands. I wondered what he would say.

Aki, where are you? Bon Odori festival on this Friday night, want to come?

I pulled the blanket higher covering all my head, a smile and a warm blush spreading across my face.

Fragments part 6 - Ryougi

“Akari?”

“My childhood friend,” I told him as I scooped up a spoonful of ice cream into my mouth. “She always came to tease me, the good for nothing girl.”

“Ano naa, Aki…”

“Always immature, always has some strange thoughts in her head, always talks so loudly that it is annoying, always embarrasses me…” the list went on and I could hear Senpai’s sigh as I said them.  “Always says that she’s strong. If she is why does she always come to me?  Always shows a fake smile even though it hurts. That stupid girl, she never grows up!

“The only thing she ever made me feel happy was when she played the piano for me. She’s very good in it, really, and I like it when she plays this one song that she said from Shakespeare’s movie. What is it called I wonder….”

“You two are closed I see,” Senpai said rather suddenly that I was lulled from my thoughts for a fraction of second.

“Emm… missetsu ka na…” I wondered if it was really a proper word. I gazed up to the sky and watched the white wooly clouds moving like snails. Shiki-senpai who was sitting beside me on the bench sighed contently. I was sure he was doing the same. The park was not too crowded at this hour and I thought it was a good thing too.  

Matte! Why did I speak about that brat on my first date with Senpai?! I turned to face him and saw his smiling face. I instantly turned away as my face felt hot. Baka! He was at fault too in this, he’s the one who kept making a kind face that I was carried away with my childish story with Akari. I wondered if I had spoiled the day and the impression he always had in  mind.

“Nee, Shiki-senpai.”

“Nani?”

“Ryougi no koto kiita koto aru ka?”

“Ryougi? It was an old Chinese teaching, isn’t it? The Yin and Yang,” he said as he wondered. I gazed at the empty ice cream cup in my hand.

“It isn’t exactly the Yin and Yang. Well, the symbol of Yin and Yang shows the intertwined black and white semicircles symbolizing two contradictory but complementary elements; light and darkness, positive and negative, man and woman. The small hole in both of them is the spiral of rivalry with contradiction. In the teaching of yin and yang this is what they call Ryougi; the state where the original is inseparably split in two.

“Everyone has a little of the opposite within them. A person, for instance, no matter how small would still have a little of dominant side in them. A man too, no matter how hard would still possess gentleness akin to the women’s. A coward would still have some courage concealed in them. And reality would still contain pieces of dreams within it.

“Yes, reality and dreams… because they are complementary, because they cannot be separated, because each had the pieces of each one of them inside, reality and dreams sometimes cannot be distinguished.

Senpai…

Shinjitsu wa nan darou…

Yume ya nan darou…

Which one should we aim for?

Which one should we save?

Dream without reality is bottomless despair and Reality without dreams is emptiness…

Just like Reality and Dreams me and Akari… we…” my voice trailed away as I looked into Senpai’s eyes. He was looking at me with such serious eyes that my heart almost stopped. His pairs, I believed, were the most beautiful pairs in the world even behind those glasses. As confusion dawned on them, his innocent eyes became… quite amusing.

“Thehehehe…What I mean is that… what I mean is that… Akari and I are… and even Shiki-senpai, perhaps… are what Ryougi is like.” For the first time in life, I let out such a stupid laugh from my mouth.

*******

I quickly scurried out of the convenient store carrying with me some packets of instant coffee and another cup of strawberry ice cream. Outside Senpai stood far a way at the side of the road waving at me. I smiled and eagerly walked towards him like a child. I didn’t know why, being in his presence I couldn’t stop myself being childish. And, even at the mall we went to earlier I almost longed for a cute T-shirted teddy bear on the shelves. And I am twenty-years old!

At that moment, I saw a man in messy clothes walked and swayed near Senpai. Senpai, in his excitement was totally focusing on me and was unaware of the drunken man. They bumped onto each other and the wretched fell down to his knees on the ground. Realizing what had happened, Senpai quickly moved to his aid, helping him back to his feet, apologizing so many times. A kind person he was, I whispered to myself, and he even showed concern to a stupid helpless stranger who bumped on him on a wide street.

Suddenly, the man grabbed onto Senpai’s collar and shouted at him. I was so surprised that I stopped. People on the street started to stare as if they were criminals. The drunken slum might but Senpai isn’t. I could feel the surging heat within my veins as he held his collar back and forth forcing his head to lurch ever so painfully. Just when I felt that, wordlessly, unexpectedly, he shoved Senpai forcefully away towards the street and I could hear the siren of the car roaring so thunderously in my ears.

In that instant, everything faded to black.

*******

The darkness lifted.

The first thing I saw was my small hand clutching at the bastard's neck.

There was a voice which had kept calling my name. AkiAkiAkiAki it said. How annoying. The man underneath me gasped. I could feel his useless attempt to breathe as his chest gave a helpless slow push against my knees. Instantly, my rage intensified and I hardened my grip to his neck almost crushing his windpipe.

“Aki, please, let go of him!” Senpai’s voice snapped my head back to reality. Immediately, my grip loosened and I looked confusedly at the man beneath me who was then coughing and struggling for breath.

“Shi…ki-senpai?”

“Aki.” I moved away, frightened with what happened. The man crawled on his feet shooting a sharp scornful yet horrified stare at me.

“Monster. Die, you monster!” he walked away fast, tumbling onto a dustbin as he went.

“Aki, are you alright?” Shiki-senpai knelt beside me holding both my shoulders.

“Shiki-senpai…” Tears started to form at the corner of my eyes. “Shiki-senpai.” He pulled me closer to him and wrapped his warm arms protectively around me.

“It’s okay, Aki. It’s okay.” Tears were falling down wetting his dark shirt.

Transparent by Kokia

Kokoro wo nakushita wake janai
Tada omoidasu no ga kowai you na ki ni naru
Wasurekaketeta nukumori wa
Tsukamou to shita te wo surineketa maboroshi
Oshitsubusaresou ni narinagara mo
Mou ichido atarashii asu wo mitai to

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Toumei ni natteyuku

Nani mo kanjinai furi wo shite
Dounika kono sekai ni najimou to shita kedo
Iki wo hisomete naita yoru
Nanika ga oto wo tate kowareteku ki ga shita
Kangaeru yori mo kanjiru no wa
Sore demo ii tada asu mo ikiteitai to

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transparent　　transparent　　transparent　　transparent

Gensou ni natteyuku

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Toumei ni natteyuku

I like this song so much, and it was made as the ending for one of my favourite anime, Phantom-Requiem for the Phantom. As one of those anime freaks who love action better than romance, i dare say it was one of the best ever made. Yep, as good as Darker than Black, only that it has devastatingly crappy ending. i could still picture how Reiji stood looking at the sunset above the plain of Mongolia (blissfully?) and was shot later as the song was played at the end. Why on earth he needs to die? And what happened to Eren? With that strange pose of hers, did she die too?

Well, whatever it is, the song had become one of my favourites and the lyrics suited me as i thought of my past. And there's another KOKIA's song in the series, insonia. It is an Italian song and i trully recommend it. I love most of KOKIA's songs, theeheheheheh...

Here's the translation:

I haven’t lost my heart; it’s just that I feel like remembering will be frightening.
The warmth I was starting to forget is a phantom that slipped through my hands when I tried to grasp it.
Even while it seems like I’ll be crushed, I want to see a new tomorrow once more.

transparent transparent transparent transparent
transparent transparent transparent transparent

I’m becoming transparent…

I pretended to be unfeeling and tried to get used to this world somehow,
But the night I hid my breathing and cried, I felt something make a sound and break.
I’m fine feeling rather than thinking; I just want to be alive tomorrow.

transparent transparent transparent transparent
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It’s becoming an illusion…

transparent transparent transparent transparent
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transparent transparent transparent transparent

I’m becoming transparent…

Fragments part 5 - Nukumori

My pace was brisk and tense.  From afar I could hear footsteps coming towards me. I walked faster, ignoring everything, eyes scanning the building to find a way out. Ahead, I saw a corner moving to a dark corridor. If I hid there for awhile, no one would find me. I adamantly walked ahead through the dark hallway, taking turns on another corner deeper into the shadows.

 Only when I reached the end of it, I stopped, panting. The place was dark and there was only a small barred window hanging high on the wall. Little light came through it and so did the air, making the room a little stuffy and uncomfortable. This place felt like prison.

I took refuge at the corner of the dark space hidden from any light, and fell to the ground with my back against the wall.

How troublesome the life I’m having! People sometimes should take things easy in life. With that suicide rate will be much lower, I guess, and no one would bother to jump out from a 13- storey building just to die with a smashed head. But, really, why do I need to run so much in my life? Sugoku mendokusai da…

“Nee, Aki, running away again?” There she was standing in front of me. Pale light coming through the barred window shone on the floor where she stood as if the light was illuminating her presence as the shadows kept darkening mine. Perfect. It portrayed both of us well: of light and darkness. 

“Why are you here, Akari?” I said with a sigh.

“I thought it would be interesting to look at a runaway Aki,” she said giddily with hands behind her back.

“Saite. You are enjoying this are you?”

“Of course, I am. And, I’m curious too. Nee, Aki, why are still running away? Shiki-senpai had stopped coming after you, though.”

“It has nothing to do with you.”

“It has. Of course it has. And somehow, you seem to be running away from me too.”

“I just want to be normal.”

“So desuka. Really, I can’t understand your logic, Aki.” There was a laugh, a mirthless one and she continued to stand there in front of me with the fake smiles of hers.

“Then, stop coming and teasing me! You’re making me crazy. Why did you come here, anyway, if all you want to do is to enjoy taunting me?”

“Because we are always together. And Aki is aki. At a time like this, you will always need me to become your haru, is it not right, Aki?”

“It does not mean autumn. It’s vacant. That’s what my name is.”

“If that is true, then, call me ana instead, so that at least I could provide a place for your vacancy.” I stayed silent as she stood there waiting for me. She moved a little and stepped to the opened corridor. “Nee, Aki-chan, I believe you will get together with him, kitto.”

“Damare.”

“Afterall, a lonely person like you, where will you run away to? And saying that you won’t hurt people, the truth is, the one who’s bored of getting hurt is you, isn’t it, Aki-chan?”

“Oi, damare!” I turned to her as I yelled. Yet, the one whose eyes I looked into were no longer the giddily troublesome girl, but an appearance which I wished to avoid. He stood there with a face a little astonished than I had ever seen.

“Aki-kun, I mean… I’m sorry, Aki, to whom are you talking to?” Really, Akari was no where to be seen, and I sat at the corner of the dark room before Shiki-senpai like a fool, relishing the deep embarrassment and shame all alone. When did she… Sugoku kitanai da na, ano ko!

There was a moment of silence as he waited confusedly for my answer. I was sure shock was written all over his face, yet I dared not to look at it. Somehow, deep down inside I felt like crying.

“I was speaking to myself, senpai. That’s what I did.” I pulled both my knees close to my chest hugging them. “In fact… I do it all the time. That’s right. I’m not normal.”

Please just go away!

“That’s why, I told you to get away from me!” It was the first time my voice cracked as if I was about to cry. I had never been that close to showing my emotion before. Even when we had our last conversation before, nothing was shown on my face.

Please, senpai. Leave me alone as I always am…

Quietly, silently he bent his knees and sat cross-legged beside me. I didn’t look at him yet I could feel the soft swish of his movement. Baka, his clothes will get dirty that way!

“People said children sometimes talk to their imaginary friends. I don’t believe that. Even I sometimes bite my nails when I’m deeply thinking, it’s a habit I have since a long time ago.” With that I turned to him, meeting his soft kind gaze he had on me.

“Really, despite of how you look, you are quite childish Aki. It’s okay. After all, adults are just children who have gotten bigger, that is all.” He smiled at me.

“Then, aren’t you afraid of me?”

“Do I have to be afraid of you, Aki?” he asked curious and in earnest. For some reasons as I looked into his eyes I felt a strange relieving emotion surging from my insides, pumping through all my veins. Was it security, I wondered. And unknowingly, his hand reached for me, tangling his long gentle fingers in my hair. Like a beaten cat that was lacked with all the love in the world, in the dark stuffy place, I was drawn to his warmth.

Fragments part 4 - Hitori

I remembered when she was small, she was always alone. It seemed her entire world was closed to everyone else that she was the only character, both the protagonist and the antagonist altogether. Everyone might talk about her or call her names, yet she seemed not to be affected by it, not to care, not even to hate anyone.

Her blouses had no frills. They never had. And if girls wear ribbons on their heads, she wore none. In fact, the always-disheveled black locks were always short and now and then, people had mistaken her as a boy instead. Her smooth pretty features were striking, though; the only signature of her real self.

I remembered that her seat was far at the back of the class, far enough not to be remembered and she was the silent type. I had never heard her voice in class, because she simply didn’t talk to anyone else. Because of this, I guessed, people found her weird, weirder when she came to school almost limping everyday, bruises on her arms and faces.

 What’s wrong with her? Did she fight?

She looked like a boy, she must have!

Maybe she’s just clumsy and tripped.

No one is too clumsy to trip everyday.

She had a bad attitude, that’s why she got hit.

She’s not a decent girl, how scary!

Since no explanation ever came, people started to get scared of her and shunned her away. And, at the same moment, the bully started. It was normal to see her walked home with her school bag doodled over. It was normal to find her shoes got all worn at the shelves when the bell had rung. Sometimes, the shoes were not even there, retrieved after awhile in a dustbin. But, she had never cried, not even once, since those were all nothing to be compared afterwards. Yes, nothing to be compared with the abuse she will receive at home, the rage of a drunk father coming back from work. The hitting will get worse with the worn shoes and dirty clothes, however. Poor thing. She had no mother to protect her. She was long gone, died right after she was borne. So, the only thing she could do is to endure it, of course, nothing more.

It was too much to bear, I guessed, that I had finally decided to talk to her that day, as she sat at the entrance all alone waiting for the rain to stop.

“Hey, why are you still here?” She looked at me who was then stooping over her with wide eyes, confusion was written all over her childish face.

“I forgot my umbrella.” Ah, the ring of her voice! Despite of the surprise just now…

“Then, why not just run through the rain? Tanoshii desu yo!”

“My clothe will get wet, I don’t want to get into trouble.”

“Heeeehh?” I grabbed onto her shoulders with my small hand and leaned my face so close to hers. I could feel her body shuddered ever so slightly to the touch and tensed. Our bangs were brushing against each other’s cheeks. “Now that I’m looking at you this close, your eyes are pretty. They are dark but almost purple.”

“You’re annoying,” she said flatly. With that I quickly released her.

“Hidoii, Aki-chan, though I like you very much.” Another surprise swept through her face, I could tell, yet, she acted like she didn’t care.

“Then, don’t come and sit with me.”

Her reaction was cute, even though it was rude to say so to a person you talk for the first time. Everyone said about the bad attitude she had. They were probably right. But, they were wrong about one thing; she’s not scary… She’s a shy person, instead. A mirthless smile started to appear on my lips.

“But, you look sad and lonely, I don’t want you to get lonely.”

“Why should you care,” she replied, sweeping away an overgrown lock from her face with her hand, slowly tugging it behind her ears. A sight of a bruised hand had made something inside of me cringe.

“Hmm… because it is bad to become lonely.”

“How bad is that? I like to be alone.”

“Well, lonely people will become crazy one day, Aki-chan!”

“Crazy?”

“Yes, crazy! Like something wrong had happened in their brain!”

“Then, I’m already am. You too, being all closed to a stranger.”

“But, we are classmates!”

“A classmate you know nothing about is still a stranger.”

“Mou, Aki-chan wa zurui!” I hugged both my knees and pouted. Aki, sitting beside me sighed. The conversation was dead between us and the hissing sound of the rain took over. Even so, much to our surprise, slowly and just as silently, we began to enjoy each other’s company.

“Nee, kimi...” I turned to her only to find dark eyes clutching my entire body.

“Hontou wa…

...kimi mo sabishii darou.”

Something had sunk in to the weight of her words and my eyes were eternally locked to Aki’s dark unwavering eyes. When there was no answer coming from me, she continued to look ahead, staring at the endless rain. Then, with the same flat voice of hers, though with a little tinge of curiosity, she asked about my name.

“Akari. My name is Akari,” I told her.